Zelensky's parade permit for Putin is way better than a drone attack

The declaration issued by President Volodymyr Zelensky on May 8 made a good case for the election of comedians to higher office:

I hereby decree:

1. To authorize the holding of a parade in Moscow (Russian Federation) on May 9, 2026.

For the duration of the parade (beginning at 10:00 a.m. Kyiv time on May 9, 2026), the area of Red Square shall be excluded from the plan for the use of Ukrainian weapons.

Humor is an underrated weapon in the arsenal against fascism. Zelensky, former professional comedian, is by no means a spotless politician — but Presidential Declaration 374 is a prime example of how a well-aimed joke can shatter a propaganda veneer and embarrass a dictator without wasting valuable hardware.

The decree was published on the official presidential portal and signed by Zelensky. It appeared minutes after another declaration, published on what’s become the de facto presidential portal of the United States: Donald Trump’s Truth Social account.

“I am pleased to announce that there will be a THREE DAY CEASEFIRE (May 9th, 10th, and 11th) in the War between Russia and Ukraine,” Trump declared, after days of back-and-forth between Kyiv and Moscow on a potential pause in hostilities so Vladimir Putin could host his little march.

Trump acknowledged that the truce honors Russia’s Victory Day, but granted that Ukrainians “were also a big part and factor of World War II.” (Authoritarian types can be funny, too.) He also announced a 1,000-for-1,000 POW swap.

The Kremlin swiftly relayed its consent to Trump’s terms. Zelensky thanked the U.S. for brokering the prisoner exchange. Then, his office issued a parade permit to Vladimir Putin. It helpfully lists the exact coordinates for Red Square.

Moscow’s fears that Ukraine would disrupt the Victory Day celebration with drone attacks proved overblown. Instead, the parade — another excuse for the Kremlin to lionize its illegal invasion of Ukraine — was deflated with the stroke of a pen.

Ukraine has been using humor to win the morale war with Russia from the first days of the full-scale invasion, capturing hearts worldwide by telling Russian warships to f*** off and launching enough memes to establish air superiority over social media. Miami University Professor Neringa Klumbye, an expert in comedy as a tool against authoritarian regimes, argues that Ukrainians have used wartime humor to mobilize, organize, and survive.

“Humor does not argue; it changes the context itself, subverting the message,” she writes in a March 4 essay for the Conversation. “And whereas fact-checking treats an opponent seriously, humor makes them ridiculous.”

It’s a weapon that remains sharp, even as Ukraine’s ability to strike assets deep in enemy territory with homegrown drones and missiles has increased dramatically.

When Russia called for a temporary ceasefire earlier this week ahead of Victory Day, it highlighted Moscow’s growing anxiety over Ukraine’s long-range weapons — not only their ability to hit valuable targets and disrupt patriotic promenades, but also to undermine Russia’s image of military might, here in the fifth year of an all-out war that was supposed to be won in a week.

Russia preemptively scaled back its annual display of martial pomp, canceling the tanks and missiles while planning a mass internet blackout over Moscow.

Putin dreams of empire, but the reality of his regime means a smaller world for Russians. One penned in by digital iron curtain, stalled economic growth, and carceral terror — a small, tightly controlled space to march in lockstep while Putin plays with his tanks and toy soldiers. (Hold the tanks.)

Zelensky’s “permit” exposes the truth behind Russia's Victory Day sham: an empty display of strength hollowed out by fear, narrowed to a 70-by-330-meter square.

And it’s so, so funny.

Not just the troll factor of the decree itself (listing the coordinates!), but the timing — publishing it after the parade has already been aggressively pared down, after Trump crashes in with his ceasefire declaration, after Ukrainian forces have slammed Russian oil infrastructure 1,500 kilometers from the border and lobbed drones at Moscow?

That’s a punchline.

Declaration 374 unmasked Putin and upstaged Trump. It is, of course, not just a joke but a succinct threat: the decree makes no promises about the safety of territory beyond the precise boundaries of the square at the heart of the Kremlin.

It also asserts Ukraine’s sovereignty, firing back at the many laughable declarations about Ukrainian land Russia has issued over the last decade.

Attacking Red Square on May 9 with drones would be a waste of Ukraine’s resources. There are refineries, airfields, and missile factories still to incinerate. With this, Zelensky gets in a great jab, 1,000 Ukrainian prisoners return home, and everyone sees how craven and absurd Russia is.

And Putin?

Enjoy your little parade.

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